Cheerful Despair takes you back into the warm, slightly moist, folds of its matronly but disturbingly hairy bosom. Other joys we remind you of in this episode:
We've probably put something about Star Trek in here too, you know what we're like.
Originally recorded at some point in 2018, probably. A few months before DFP was hospitalised with diabetes he talks nonsense about how fit he is.
We just keep these episodes forever and eventually some of them break out of the cellar. Frankly, if you told more strangers about these podcasts, you'd get more. This is your fault.
Cheerful Despair take you on a journey across time and space to celebrate New Year 2018 from the comfort of August 2019. Wow!
This time on Britain's 37th best comedy podcast*:
*Technically true as of 14th July 2019 according to Apple Podcasts - we've got screenshots so you can't take that away from us Apple, even if it was just a terrible mistake
I read once about a podcast that vanished without warning. When it suddenly reappeared, almost two years later, everything was fine. No-one had unsubscribed and everyone just kept listening as if nothing had happened. So, you know, maybe something to think about there.
Anyway, this time on Cheerful Despair:
David F. Porteous and David Candy (who like Star Wars) have been to the movies with sound engineer David Chisholm (who likes football and girls).
Why not listen to the aftermath? Includes STAR WARS THEMED versions of regular features Cross Quiz and Debate Bag.
Caution! From about 30 minutes in, and after ample verbal warnings, we do spoil some plot details of the film. (Sorry about that).
"I don't know how they got into the air ducts, I just want them out. And don't let Jerry screw you around about how he warned us to put the fine mesh otterwire over the vents because otters are skinnier than they used to be. I don't care. I just want them gone."
This week on Cheerful Despair:
Lies about Leith - a place you've probably never been, and if you rely on the signs, you will never get to
The Ultimate Otters Quiz???
The longest Debate Bag we have ever had
Speculation about the D&D stats for the God of Abraham
David Candy meets the local The Batman for Leith - I bet you thought that wasn't going to be mentioned again, but it was. It's a callback! It's right there, a lesser spotted callback!
....Please like me.
"I don't care how many Shannon McNamara has, I am not spending five pounds on another fidget spinner! Why not listen to that stupid podcast instead?"
There are only two things that come out of the Cheerful Despair Podcast Studios - steers and episodes of the Cheerful Despair Podcast - and this doesn't look like a steer. Whatever a steer is.
In this episode:
Plus Cross Quiz and Debate Bag - which we think you like, and that's why we keep doing them.
Benefiting from many local amenities, this bright and stylish 2-bedroom podcast features tasteful neutral decor and returns for its 15th episode.
On this week’s action-packed instalment:
Now of course it’s entirely up to you, but we've been talking and it really feels like the polite thing for you to do would be to rate us on iTunes. In fact you could follow us on twitter @podcastname and like us on Facebook @CheerfulDespairPodcast too. But remember this is your decision. There’s no pressure.
“Jean, when you’re over next weekend, can you ask Mark to look at my phone again? Yeah. It’s that thing with the skeletons. Yeah. It’s come back. Okay. Okay. Thanks love. See you on Saturday.”
On this week’s episode:
Don't forget to rate us on iTunes, follow us on twitter @podcastname, like us on Facebook @CheerfulDespairPodcast and follow us home from the bus stop.
Season two of my favourite podcast comes to an end in typical style with a flurry of racism, and a battery of insults directed at anonymous/famous man Chet Hanks. Join us in wondering what he ever did to deserve this.
It can't be miserable optimism - so it must be Cheerful Despair! #NotMyTagLine
(Episode recorded in July 2016, before Earth's last reserves of hope were depleted).
Cheerful Despair, that pod-cast you forgot you subscribed to, returns. It's honestly better just to listen and not make a scene. We'll just leave a small tip and not eat here again.
Good night and good truck.
-DC. For, and on behalf of, DFP.
Welcome to another episode of Cheerful Despair - the podcast about how Star Trek the Next Generation has too many damn nerds. (This is the sound of the internet eating itself).
On this episode:
Until next time - may your trucks bring all the boys to the yard.
As relentless as the passing of time and the approach of a referendum on the political destiny of this Moderately Good Britain - so arrives another episode of Cheerful Despair, featuring:
Government will soon send you a letter explaining why you should listen to Cheerful Despair, but the Daily Mail thinks we're crap.
Trucking - Excelsior!
With profuse apologies for the failure to keep our promises for weekly uploading - even though we specifically say in this episode that this is a thing which is happening - here is a bumper episode to make up for it.
Featuring regular segments Debate Bag and Cross Quiz, plus:
Hurtling straight at your ears like a bullet from a golden gun (which, presumably is either less dangerous or certainly no more dangerous than a bullet from a gun made of another metal) it's the Cheerful Despair Podcast!
In the first episode of our magnificent second series you can expect to hear:
An innovation for this series: this episode is being broadcast before we record episode two. If you have a theme you'd like us to discuss or a question you want us to answer, please submit them on twitter to @dfpiii
Few dared dream that when we began posting podcast episodes that one day we would have posted six and that would be the end of season one - but that event and that day have arrived.
In the final episode of Cheerful Despair, prepare yourselves for:
Until we meet again, possibly in a future life, in a parallel universe, don't know where, don't know when, but I know we'll meet again some sunny day, keep on trucking.
Welcome to the fifth and second to final episode of season one of the Cheerful Despair podcast. In this episode:
REMEMBER TO RATE THIS BASTARD PODCAST. And none of this four stars or below shit. Get on the iTunes, give it five stars, or I'm going to glue your pets to the ceiling.
Welcome to the fourth episode of Cheerful Despair, subtitled "the episode I uploaded without re-listening to". In this episode:
If you enjoy the show, then remember to rate us on those ratings sites they have now. Or just send money.
Please begin trucking.
The third episode Cheerful Despair has arrived, this one subtitled "There are just too many things for all of them to be things at once".
In this episode of David Candy and David F Porteous's yet-to-be-award-winning podcast:
Leave comments, rate and - most important of all - subscribe for future episodes.
Do not truck unless it is safe to do so.
Welcome to the second episode, subtitled: "If Stephen Hawking could walk, he'd never have got a film made about him."
In this episode:
And remember, guys - as I always say - continue to truck, if you have already begun to truck, otherwise do not begin trucking.
In the inaugural episode of the Cheerful Despair podcast, David Candy and Scottish Author David F Porteous discuss:
Featuring regular segments Cross Quiz and Debate Bag.
Join two men on the right side of middle age and the wrong side of clinical obesity as they talk about basically nothing. Be disturbed by their absurd views and alarmed by how much you agree with them. For thirty minutes anything goes - this is cheerful despair.
Scottish author David F Porteous is approximately one half of Cheerful Despair, find out more about him at his website http://www.dfpiii.com
David Candy is approximately the other half of Cheerful Despair, learn nothing about him at his youtube channel https://www.youtube.com/user/friendlyals
Feedback about the show is always welcome on Twitter @dfpiii. Our first season will begin shortly and will air weekly until it stops.
Keep on Truckin'*
* Keep on Truckin' is not the way I plan to sign-off on any of these updates in future.