Cheerful Despair

Join two men on the right side of middle age and the wrong side of clinical obesity as they talk about basically nothing. Be disturbed by their absurd views and alarmed by how much you agree with them. For thirty minutes anything goes - this is cheerful despair. Scottish author David F Porteous is approximately one half of Cheerful Despair, find out more about him at his website David Candy is approximately the other half of Cheerful Despair, learn nothing about him at his youtube channel
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Now displaying: 2016
Nov 11, 2016

Season two of my favourite podcast comes to an end in typical style with a flurry of racism, and a battery of insults directed at anonymous/famous man Chet Hanks. Join us in wondering what he ever did to deserve this.

It can't be miserable optimism - so it must be Cheerful Despair! #NotMyTagLine

(Episode recorded in July 2016, before Earth's last reserves of hope were depleted).

Sep 15, 2016

Cheerful Despair, that pod-cast you forgot you subscribed to, returns. It's honestly better just to listen and not make a scene. We'll just leave a small tip and not eat here again.

This time:

  • Have your sandwiches been Phil-ed?
  • Wow! In a new segment, we meet John, an extraordinary individual.
  • Also! David F. Porteous (who was educated by the state) is taught how to pass the port.
  • Plus! We invent a new trendy artisan snack for hipsters, then foolishly share the idea with the internet. (Do not steal our genuinely quite good snack idea for which we have no legal protection. Thanks.)

Good night and good truck.

-DC. For, and on behalf of, DFP.


Jul 17, 2016

Welcome to another episode of Cheerful Despair - the podcast about how Star Trek the Next Generation has too many damn nerds. (This is the sound of the internet eating itself).

On this episode:

  • An initial half hour about Star Trek, which you can easily skip
  • Noel Edmunds magic box that cures cancer
  • I loved David Candy, he smelled of mould
  • Remember when Prince Adam came to Scotland?
  • They're like baby pigeons
  • That's clever enough for religion
  • And regular segments Cross Quiz and Debate Bag

Until next time - may your trucks bring all the boys to the yard.

- dfp.

Jun 13, 2016

As relentless as the passing of time and the approach of a referendum on the political destiny of this Moderately Good Britain - so arrives another episode of Cheerful Despair, featuring:

  • The actual sound of regular segment Cross Quiz being written
  • Dried Homeless food
  • My favourite colour is anarchy
  • The actual sound of regular segment Debate Bag being written
  • Elon Musk vs Romanians working in Subway
  • How one man's hatred of furry animals gave us Velcro (other hook and loop fasteners are available)

Government will soon send you a letter explaining why you should listen to Cheerful Despair, but the Daily Mail thinks we're crap.

Trucking - Excelsior!

- dfp

Jun 6, 2016

With profuse apologies for the failure to keep our promises for weekly uploading - even though we specifically say in this episode that this is a thing which is happening - here is a bumper episode to make up for it.

Featuring regular segments Debate Bag and Cross Quiz, plus:

  • The former artist currently known as Prince - better or worse than your mum?
  • David Candy's obsession with the past
  • You're Pavloving yourself
  • The Power of Greyskull is self-confidence
  • He's got a pint of whole milk down his trousers
  • Sincere requests for you to send pictures of humus to @dfpiii. Please send pictures of humus. Do not send actual humus. We cannot stress this enough - do not send actual humus.
Resume trucking.
Apr 25, 2016

Hurtling straight at your ears like a bullet from a golden gun (which, presumably is either less dangerous or certainly no more dangerous than a bullet from a gun made of another metal) it's the Cheerful Despair Podcast!

In the first episode of our magnificent second series you can expect to hear:

  • Donald Trump's views on crimes committed by fictional characters played by the actor Tom Hanks;
  • Time travel and racism;
  • David Candy's favourite colour - you'll have to listen to find out, but it's shocking. You will be shocked by this one colour-liking fact;
  • and all the usual schtick including Cross Quiz and Debate Bag.

An innovation for this series: this episode is being broadcast before we record episode two. If you have a theme you'd like us to discuss or a question you want us to answer, please submit them on twitter to @dfpiii

Feb 8, 2016

Few dared dream that when we began posting podcast episodes that one day we would have posted six and that would be the end of season one - but that event and that day have arrived.

In the final episode of Cheerful Despair, prepare yourselves for:

  • Everyone involved to become sad and frustrated with the whole process, to say nothing of their lives
  • The Ultimate Slavery Quiz
  • A desperate appeal for you to love us

Until we meet again, possibly in a future life, in a parallel universe, don't know where, don't know when, but I know we'll meet again some sunny day, keep on trucking.


Feb 1, 2016

Welcome to the fifth and second to final episode of season one of the Cheerful Despair podcast. In this episode:

  • An extended discussion on the bum hose;
  • All the lyrics to Katy Perry songs we know;
  • Do you remember the Crazy Frog? I remember the Crazy Frog. I remember the screams;
  • One or more Draculas and a Frankenstein and a Herby Goes Bananas;
  • I couldn't even tell you if there is a Blue Peter any more;
  • Do you remember when I killed myself?

REMEMBER TO RATE THIS BASTARD PODCAST. And none of this four stars or below shit. Get on the iTunes, give it five stars, or I'm going to glue your pets to the ceiling.

Much truck.


Jan 26, 2016

Welcome to the fourth episode of Cheerful Despair, subtitled "the episode I uploaded without re-listening to". In this episode:

  • Things
  • Various stuff
  • Almost certainly some kind of reference to Hitler and / or time travel

If you enjoy the show, then remember to rate us on those ratings sites they have now. Or just send money.

Please begin trucking.


Jan 18, 2016

The third episode Cheerful Despair has arrived, this one subtitled "There are just too many things for all of them to be things at once".

In this episode of David Candy and David F Porteous's yet-to-be-award-winning podcast:

  • The global conspiracy about vaccines
  • Powering through with a mix of Nespresso and Cialis
  • For every day that I grew a beard I had less of a home
  • E.T. suffered from Stockholm syndrome
  • Paranoid and frightened all the time, and very, very needy
  • Pandas are useless

Leave comments, rate and - most important of all - subscribe for future episodes.

Do not truck unless it is safe to do so.


Jan 11, 2016
Season 1, Episode 2

Welcome to the second episode, subtitled: "If Stephen Hawking could walk, he'd never have got a  film made about him."

In this episode:

  • The syphilis of Adam Smith
  • Governor wanted, must have own wig
  • How am I going to build a proper commemoration plaque on my Hitler shrine if I don't know his birthday?
  • The golden whores of London

And remember, guys - as I always say - continue to truck, if you have already begun to truck, otherwise do not begin trucking.