Cheerful Despair

Join two men on the right side of middle age and the wrong side of clinical obesity as they talk about basically nothing. Be disturbed by their absurd views and alarmed by how much you agree with them. For thirty minutes anything goes - this is cheerful despair. Scottish author David F Porteous is approximately one half of Cheerful Despair, find out more about him at his website David Candy is approximately the other half of Cheerful Despair, learn nothing about him at his youtube channel
RSS Feed Subscribe in Apple Podcasts





All Episodes
Now displaying: 2017
Dec 19, 2017

David F. Porteous and David Candy (who like Star Wars) have been to the movies with sound engineer David Chisholm (who likes football and girls).

Why not listen to the aftermath? Includes STAR WARS THEMED versions of regular features Cross Quiz and Debate Bag.

Caution! From about 30 minutes in, and after ample verbal warnings, we do spoil some plot details of the film. (Sorry about that).

Jul 3, 2017

"I don't know how they got into the air ducts, I just want them out. And don't let Jerry screw you around about how he warned us to put the fine mesh otterwire over the vents because otters are skinnier than they used to be. I don't care. I just want them gone."

This week on Cheerful Despair:

Lies about Leith - a place you've probably never been, and if you rely on the signs, you will never get to

The Ultimate Otters Quiz???

The longest Debate Bag we have ever had

Speculation about the D&D stats for the God of Abraham

David Candy meets the local The Batman for Leith - I bet you thought that wasn't going to be mentioned again, but it was. It's a callback! It's right there, a lesser spotted callback!

....Please like me.


Jun 26, 2017

"I don't care how many Shannon McNamara has, I am not spending five pounds on another fidget spinner! Why not listen to that stupid podcast instead?"

This week:

  • We offer our code-breaking services to GCHQ. Uh, you're welcome...
  • Cheerful Despair remembers Lady Diana the way she would have wanted. With a quiz.
  • Sir Isaac Newton commits various acts of political self-harm in the name of science!
    • plus
  • Will David F Porteous be ostracised by his people for his controversial views on doner meat?
Why not rate us on iTunes, follow us on twitter @podcastname and like us on Facebook @CheerfulDespairPodcast? (That's not a rhetorical question. We expect your answers in writing.)
Jun 19, 2017

There are only two things that come out of the Cheerful Despair Podcast Studios - steers and episodes of the Cheerful Despair Podcast - and this doesn't look like a steer. Whatever a steer is.

In this episode:

  • We plot to send people who are in one geographic location to another geographic location
  • Glenns the vodka man; pushing boys into wells since 1972
  • David Candy meets another person
  • Andy Peters shakes a duck corpse in front of a camcorder
  • The minimum amount of cheating necessary to win
  • Escape from a Council flat

Plus Cross Quiz and Debate Bag - which we think you like, and that's why we keep doing them.

Jun 12, 2017

Benefiting from many local amenities, this bright and stylish 2-bedroom podcast features tasteful neutral decor and returns for its 15th episode.

This week:

  • David F Porteous will never get a massage in this town again!
  • Join the Aryan Brotherhood of Edinburgh Taxi Drivers for a DVD marathon
  • David Candy's toaster is too short
  • We meet the extraordinary individuals behind Scotland's traditional home-made vaccines


  • Will Captain Britain take back control by leaving the League of European Superheroes?
The Cheerful Despair podcast is unable to vouch for the safety of those failing to rate us on iTunes, follow us on twitter @podcastname or like us on Facebook @CheerfulDespairPodcast.
Jun 5, 2017

On this week’s action-packed instalment:

  • Sign up! - For the Cheerful Despair Academy of Football
  • Chow down! - On our secret recipe for beans on toast (The second ingredient will shock you!)
  • Hook up! - With Edinburgh’s sleaziest billboard lion
  • Blast off!  - To a whole new world of cancer, chemical toilets and floating liver aboard the USS Summer Holiday


  • Tune in! - To the olympiad of automaton combat that’s setting wirelesses aglow across the Empire and Dominions


Now of course it’s entirely up to you, but we've been talking and it really feels like the polite thing for you to do would be to rate us on iTunes. In fact you could follow us on twitter @podcastname and like us on Facebook @CheerfulDespairPodcast too. But remember this is your decision. There’s no pressure.

May 29, 2017

Jean, when you’re over next weekend, can you ask Mark to look at my phone again? Yeah. It’s that thing with the skeletons. Yeah. It’s come back. Okay. Okay. Thanks love. See you on Saturday.

On this week’s episode:

  • Can David F Porteous and David Candy save the world?
  • Sir Barry Thunderdome wants you to share the rewards of the hit phenomenon that’s set to sweep Australia!
  • Do the kids think David F Porteous is cool? (They don’t).
  • Plus! We exclusively reveal Cheerful Despair’s official brand of cigarettes. Then, for health reasons advise you not to smoke them.

Don't forget to rate us on iTunes, follow us on twitter @podcastname, like us on Facebook @CheerfulDespairPodcast and follow us home from the bus stop.